A Dark Day...

It's the third day... Crying in the morning... Crying on the way to daycare... Crying when I drop her off, crying when I take her home. Crying at dinner time and crying all through the night. Last night I had no patience. I didn't want to hear it, I didn't want to be around it. I wanted to crawl inside that tiny 2 year old brain and fix whatever was upsetting her perfect existence. But I couldn't. And the crying continued. This morning was the breaking point. I hurried her into the daycare, took her precious blanket away (and I don't mean that sarcastically) and rushed her through washing her hands and left her classroom. I yelled at Alyssa for not understanding the pressure of dealing with a crying toddler, for not understanding the intricate and heavy responsibilities of being an adult. I yelled at her to relieve some of the pressure that was building up inside of me. I cried the whole way to work today. If I can't handle Ayla crying, how did I think I would be able to handle another baby? I posted to Facebook, "The worst days are the ones where I feel like I don't have him because I didn't deserve him. Today is one of those days..." And it is. Maybe I am not a good enough mother. Maybe... I get tired of all the maybe's, what-if's and why not's... I was consumed with guilt for not understanding Ayla, for losing Jonathan, and for taking it all out on Alyssa. What kind of mom does that? Then Jonathan looked down on me and saw how sad his mommy was and sent me a song. What a precious gift in that moment. "Word of God speak- Let it pour down like rain- Washing my eyes to see- Your majesty- To be still and know- That you're in this place..." God was in that place with me and so was my angel. I cried even harder. Not only was I feeling so low and undeserving, but then God reached out to me. I still didn't feel like I deserved any of it. After the next song played, God made sure I knew he was listening. He sent me a song. A song that has spoken to my heart since I lost my angel. Casting Crowns, "I remember when I stumbled in the wind- You heard my cry to You- And raised me up again- My strength is almost gone- How can I carry on- If I can't find you" More tears until I got to work... It wasn't 15 minutes after arriving at work, and hastily leaving Ayla in her classroom that they call me to tell me she's sick and has to go home. More guilt. How did I not see that my poor Ayla was sick?? So I left work, took her to the doctor where she proceeded to tear up the whole office and every magazine in it... That's my Ayla... So then we ran some errands and she fell asleep. Looking at her in the rearview mirror at that moment my heart was lifted. I gained some of the peace that I could see in her reflection. She is my angel. He is my angel. I hurt because I love them so dearly. But my mood has not lifted, it is a dark day in my heart...

Uneasy...

So it seems as this is the only place where I can truly express what I think and feel and I don't even think anyone reads it. I guess that makes it safe for me to say what I want, right?!? I don't understand what the deal is. I don't care how many friends a person has, why is it that men don't understand that they cannot just be friends with other women?? I am now finding out about the third (or maybe fourth) person that Josh talks to in ways that should be reserved for myself. I talk to him about it and one by one he stops talking to these people, but why is it that I continue to find more? Why doesn't he understand that it's the same with each of them, even though one calls him babe, one says hey sexy and the other is telling him all her personal business and talking about what's going on when the "kids go home." Every time I read a new message I want to strangle him in his sleep. I just don't get how he thinks that it's okay to talk to other women like this. What I do know, is that I'm not going to spend my life pushing for him NOT to cheat. I don't think he will but my past says otherwise. I feel like that's a lot to put on Josh, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just so uneasy about all of this...

An interesting day...

Sometimes I feel like it is the hardest work in the world to be part of a family. Why is that? And I don't mean my husband and children. I mean everyone else. It just seems like so much work to function and get along as a family. Is it the way I was raised? Is it the years of dysfunction piled on itself? I really don't know. It just seems to me that a group of people, bound by blood, genetics, and similar experiences would be more tightly bound together than I feel I am with most of my family. I hope that I create a greater need to connect with family in my children. I hope it's easier for my kids to get along, hang out, talk, share secrets... You know, all that good stuff.

“There are two lasting bequests we can give our children: One is roots, the other is wings.” ~Hodding Carter Jr.

Sharing...

Thursday was girls night. I look forward to being able to spend time with them, not working, just hanging out. This past Thursday was a special night, the last girls night with our Sarah. She's heading back to school and I'm really going to miss her. After dinner Sarah, Abbey and I had a few minutes alone and we started out talking about work and how and why I do what I do now. We ended up talking about Jonathan. It was a really special conversation for me. I felt so awful for sharing something so deeply depressing with them and felt like I had laid a burden on them they didn't ask for. But this is the amazing part. They listened, they smiled, they cried... all with me while I spoke about that night and his tiny perfect body. They hugged me and they let me tell the story of my precious angel. I will forever be grateful to them for that.

Another great blog...

Spread Awareness

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This amazing woman wrote Jonathan's name on the sidewalk ♥