A Dark Day...

It's the third day... Crying in the morning... Crying on the way to daycare... Crying when I drop her off, crying when I take her home. Crying at dinner time and crying all through the night. Last night I had no patience. I didn't want to hear it, I didn't want to be around it. I wanted to crawl inside that tiny 2 year old brain and fix whatever was upsetting her perfect existence. But I couldn't. And the crying continued. This morning was the breaking point. I hurried her into the daycare, took her precious blanket away (and I don't mean that sarcastically) and rushed her through washing her hands and left her classroom. I yelled at Alyssa for not understanding the pressure of dealing with a crying toddler, for not understanding the intricate and heavy responsibilities of being an adult. I yelled at her to relieve some of the pressure that was building up inside of me. I cried the whole way to work today. If I can't handle Ayla crying, how did I think I would be able to handle another baby? I posted to Facebook, "The worst days are the ones where I feel like I don't have him because I didn't deserve him. Today is one of those days..." And it is. Maybe I am not a good enough mother. Maybe... I get tired of all the maybe's, what-if's and why not's... I was consumed with guilt for not understanding Ayla, for losing Jonathan, and for taking it all out on Alyssa. What kind of mom does that? Then Jonathan looked down on me and saw how sad his mommy was and sent me a song. What a precious gift in that moment. "Word of God speak- Let it pour down like rain- Washing my eyes to see- Your majesty- To be still and know- That you're in this place..." God was in that place with me and so was my angel. I cried even harder. Not only was I feeling so low and undeserving, but then God reached out to me. I still didn't feel like I deserved any of it. After the next song played, God made sure I knew he was listening. He sent me a song. A song that has spoken to my heart since I lost my angel. Casting Crowns, "I remember when I stumbled in the wind- You heard my cry to You- And raised me up again- My strength is almost gone- How can I carry on- If I can't find you" More tears until I got to work... It wasn't 15 minutes after arriving at work, and hastily leaving Ayla in her classroom that they call me to tell me she's sick and has to go home. More guilt. How did I not see that my poor Ayla was sick?? So I left work, took her to the doctor where she proceeded to tear up the whole office and every magazine in it... That's my Ayla... So then we ran some errands and she fell asleep. Looking at her in the rearview mirror at that moment my heart was lifted. I gained some of the peace that I could see in her reflection. She is my angel. He is my angel. I hurt because I love them so dearly. But my mood has not lifted, it is a dark day in my heart...

Uneasy...

So it seems as this is the only place where I can truly express what I think and feel and I don't even think anyone reads it. I guess that makes it safe for me to say what I want, right?!? I don't understand what the deal is. I don't care how many friends a person has, why is it that men don't understand that they cannot just be friends with other women?? I am now finding out about the third (or maybe fourth) person that Josh talks to in ways that should be reserved for myself. I talk to him about it and one by one he stops talking to these people, but why is it that I continue to find more? Why doesn't he understand that it's the same with each of them, even though one calls him babe, one says hey sexy and the other is telling him all her personal business and talking about what's going on when the "kids go home." Every time I read a new message I want to strangle him in his sleep. I just don't get how he thinks that it's okay to talk to other women like this. What I do know, is that I'm not going to spend my life pushing for him NOT to cheat. I don't think he will but my past says otherwise. I feel like that's a lot to put on Josh, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just so uneasy about all of this...

An interesting day...

Sometimes I feel like it is the hardest work in the world to be part of a family. Why is that? And I don't mean my husband and children. I mean everyone else. It just seems like so much work to function and get along as a family. Is it the way I was raised? Is it the years of dysfunction piled on itself? I really don't know. It just seems to me that a group of people, bound by blood, genetics, and similar experiences would be more tightly bound together than I feel I am with most of my family. I hope that I create a greater need to connect with family in my children. I hope it's easier for my kids to get along, hang out, talk, share secrets... You know, all that good stuff.

“There are two lasting bequests we can give our children: One is roots, the other is wings.” ~Hodding Carter Jr.

Sharing...

Thursday was girls night. I look forward to being able to spend time with them, not working, just hanging out. This past Thursday was a special night, the last girls night with our Sarah. She's heading back to school and I'm really going to miss her. After dinner Sarah, Abbey and I had a few minutes alone and we started out talking about work and how and why I do what I do now. We ended up talking about Jonathan. It was a really special conversation for me. I felt so awful for sharing something so deeply depressing with them and felt like I had laid a burden on them they didn't ask for. But this is the amazing part. They listened, they smiled, they cried... all with me while I spoke about that night and his tiny perfect body. They hugged me and they let me tell the story of my precious angel. I will forever be grateful to them for that.

Another great blog...

Spread Awareness

Another awesome Angel Mommy...

This amazing woman wrote Jonathan's name on the sidewalk ♥

Family...

This weekend I had an awesome chance to go visit my cousins and it was just the most fun I ever have, being around them. They remind me how families should be there for one another. I sat in my cousin's livingroom and stared at pictures of her and my other cousin with our grandma. I thought about how much different things would be if my mom had been less selfish with her time and money and made sure that I spent time with them. Both my grandparents are gone and there is so much lost that I will never regain. I had a vision or a dream of sorts, though. I saw my beautiful grandma holding Jonathan and rocking him. It gave me peace beyond words. I felt as though my baby boy was not alone, and neither was my grandma. Up in Heaven the family reunion has already started! How lucky am I to have these amazing people all around me and supporting me. They are truly the best people I have ever known. I love them!

Moving On...

Even though I title this entry as "moving on" the trick is, there is none. I recently discovered an insight about what I thought the loss of my child would be, comparing it to a broken foot. In talking to a co-worker, who was kind enough to listen, I said to her, "I guess I thought it would be like breaking your foot. It hurts, it heals, and then life goes on and everything is back to normal." Well, I have most certainly discovered that there is no normal. There is nothing that I can sit here and firmly say, "this is how it will be." I can't predict how I will feel tomorrow, let alone in five minutes. I cannot predict how something someone says will affect me. I cannot predict how many times I will think of my precious angel. Most of my thoughts are of him. I feel like I have to justify this regarding my living children, but the truth is, they are always in my thoughts, too. But I get to hold them, and kiss them, and discipline them. I get to cook them dinner and tuck them into bed at night. I get to teach them right and how to be responsible. I get to laugh with them and watch movies with them. And for Jonathan, I only get to imagine what my life would be like if I could hold him in my arms. Most of the time I like to close my eyes and remember how peaceful and perfect it felt to hold him close to me. His lifeless little body brought me so much comfort. The truth is that this life is fragile. And as many tears as I cry for my beloved angel baby, that tells me he was here. And he was real. And I love him. I cannot make any new memories, but I can find ways to make sure that the ones I already have live on in my heart, in my family, and in this life. I know you were here and although I cannot see you, I can feel you every second of the day. Someday I will see you again, and that day, my sweet boy, will be the best day of my life.

Amazing...

I am totally in awe right now. Such a simple task as checking my email has become the highlight of my day. I received an email from the online company customink.com whom we chose to create our shirts for March for Babies on April 30th. They have asked for the link to our team's website as they noticed from our shirt design that we are involved in the cause. They are sponsoring our team, Jonathan's Hope. Like I said, I am in awe. The generousity and love from people is just amazing. I know Jonathan is smiling down on us!

Ah, life...

So, the days are moving closer and closer not only to March for Babies but also to Jonathan's due date. As the days creep closer I find myself with new and interesting challenges. I want so much to celebrate the special day, but find all I'm really doing is still mourning.

FMJ...

Well, today we get the dog back, Alyssa's stitches are out and Ayla doesn't use a pacifier after all... Whaddya know?!? As is life with kids and craziness!!

As for the job, well it just sucks. About 3 months ago I applied for a different position with my current employer and finally, just on Friday found out that they chose to give it back to the person who had it before. Normally, you think a person would bow out and move on, but I can't. I'm angry and I want everyone to know it! I suppose that sounds really immature, but here's the thing. I work hard, I'm really good at my job, and I go above and beyond not only what is expected of all teachers, but the high standards my bosses have for me personally. I am often working hard unnoticed and unappreciated, at least that's the way it seems most days. I used to do this job for the love of children and the joy they used to bring. Well, it's hard to find joy when you are constantly out-numbered, over whelmed and stressed out. I was more than qualified for the job I wanted and more qualified than the person who had it for 12 years. Even after losing the position she continued to do nothing. Clock in, clock out... So why is it that she is rewarded with getting it back? You want to motivate your employees? Try rewarding the ones who deserve it and promote people who will work hard and do the BEST job...

Now I figure I have to try to find a way to move past this. I need to find the joy for my job I once had. The hard part is, I don't know if I can do that... Time will tell, I suppose. So, I guess for now, just keep me in your prayers!!

The Family Criminal

So, I called my oldest daughter, Alyssa, on the way home from work tonight to find out she was "attacked" by the dog. Now, Brownie is by no means a bad or crazy dog. Apparently he was chewing on something and she decided to fish it out of his mouth... The result? He bit her face. She got three stitches and the ER had to call the police. Now we have a $75 ticket, an outlaw dog whose been labeled "vicious" and a scarred up kid. Everytime things calm down, something happens.

Oh, and our attempt at having a peaceful nights sleep? I gave Ayla a pacifier which she has not ever EVER used. It was the one she brought home from the hospital. She's sucking away on it and I'm not sure yet if we've made a HUGE mistake... :/

What is a "rainbow baby"?

Rainbow baby is the term for a baby after the loss of a previous child. It is the understanding that a rainbow's beauty does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds.

(Borrowed from another blog...)

I was thinking about my beautiful boy a lot yesterday. It could be that I've been having such a rough time with Ayla lately, I don't know. I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with disciplining her. She's been throwing so many fits lately I feel like all she does is scream. The good news is that she seems to have stopped biting at daycare, for the mean time anyways.

The good news is that school is over for a couple weeks. Hopefully my grades brought my GPA back up, otherwise I'll have to file an appeal to the college and tell them all about Jonathan. I'm sure considering the circumstances they'll lift my probation status, but I was hoping my grades would do the trick. I find out on Monday and we'll see...

Glad the weekend is right around the corner!!

In memory of our Butterfly...

Welcome to my blog!

So, I am creating this blog as an assignment for my Technology class.  It was tough trying to choose a title, but decided on "Butterflies and Rainbows" because my children will always be my butterflies and rainbows.  My kids are my world and I never knew how much the things that have happened in the past few months would change my life.  Now I am defined by these things and I'm trying to figure out my new normal, without ever leaving behind the pain.

I've been so blessed to have children in all stages from teenager, preteen, infant/toddler and pregnancy.  I got to help my oldest develop her wings over time and patience.  I got to admire my step-daughter's wings and help her become a more beautiful person.  Every day I watch my baby get bigger and I enjoy her love of life and her family.  And then I have my true butterfly who flew away to heaven.  I know he watches down on me and lives in my heart and dreams.  And from now on, every new child will be my rainbow; the beauty that comes after the storm.  The guarantee that God will keep His promise to me.  I look forward to the day when I can hold my precious rainbow baby.

So, welcome to my blog and stay posted for updates!