A Dark Day...

It's the third day... Crying in the morning... Crying on the way to daycare... Crying when I drop her off, crying when I take her home. Crying at dinner time and crying all through the night. Last night I had no patience. I didn't want to hear it, I didn't want to be around it. I wanted to crawl inside that tiny 2 year old brain and fix whatever was upsetting her perfect existence. But I couldn't. And the crying continued. This morning was the breaking point. I hurried her into the daycare, took her precious blanket away (and I don't mean that sarcastically) and rushed her through washing her hands and left her classroom. I yelled at Alyssa for not understanding the pressure of dealing with a crying toddler, for not understanding the intricate and heavy responsibilities of being an adult. I yelled at her to relieve some of the pressure that was building up inside of me. I cried the whole way to work today. If I can't handle Ayla crying, how did I think I would be able to handle another baby? I posted to Facebook, "The worst days are the ones where I feel like I don't have him because I didn't deserve him. Today is one of those days..." And it is. Maybe I am not a good enough mother. Maybe... I get tired of all the maybe's, what-if's and why not's... I was consumed with guilt for not understanding Ayla, for losing Jonathan, and for taking it all out on Alyssa. What kind of mom does that? Then Jonathan looked down on me and saw how sad his mommy was and sent me a song. What a precious gift in that moment. "Word of God speak- Let it pour down like rain- Washing my eyes to see- Your majesty- To be still and know- That you're in this place..." God was in that place with me and so was my angel. I cried even harder. Not only was I feeling so low and undeserving, but then God reached out to me. I still didn't feel like I deserved any of it. After the next song played, God made sure I knew he was listening. He sent me a song. A song that has spoken to my heart since I lost my angel. Casting Crowns, "I remember when I stumbled in the wind- You heard my cry to You- And raised me up again- My strength is almost gone- How can I carry on- If I can't find you" More tears until I got to work... It wasn't 15 minutes after arriving at work, and hastily leaving Ayla in her classroom that they call me to tell me she's sick and has to go home. More guilt. How did I not see that my poor Ayla was sick?? So I left work, took her to the doctor where she proceeded to tear up the whole office and every magazine in it... That's my Ayla... So then we ran some errands and she fell asleep. Looking at her in the rearview mirror at that moment my heart was lifted. I gained some of the peace that I could see in her reflection. She is my angel. He is my angel. I hurt because I love them so dearly. But my mood has not lifted, it is a dark day in my heart...