Family...

This weekend I had an awesome chance to go visit my cousins and it was just the most fun I ever have, being around them. They remind me how families should be there for one another. I sat in my cousin's livingroom and stared at pictures of her and my other cousin with our grandma. I thought about how much different things would be if my mom had been less selfish with her time and money and made sure that I spent time with them. Both my grandparents are gone and there is so much lost that I will never regain. I had a vision or a dream of sorts, though. I saw my beautiful grandma holding Jonathan and rocking him. It gave me peace beyond words. I felt as though my baby boy was not alone, and neither was my grandma. Up in Heaven the family reunion has already started! How lucky am I to have these amazing people all around me and supporting me. They are truly the best people I have ever known. I love them!

Moving On...

Even though I title this entry as "moving on" the trick is, there is none. I recently discovered an insight about what I thought the loss of my child would be, comparing it to a broken foot. In talking to a co-worker, who was kind enough to listen, I said to her, "I guess I thought it would be like breaking your foot. It hurts, it heals, and then life goes on and everything is back to normal." Well, I have most certainly discovered that there is no normal. There is nothing that I can sit here and firmly say, "this is how it will be." I can't predict how I will feel tomorrow, let alone in five minutes. I cannot predict how something someone says will affect me. I cannot predict how many times I will think of my precious angel. Most of my thoughts are of him. I feel like I have to justify this regarding my living children, but the truth is, they are always in my thoughts, too. But I get to hold them, and kiss them, and discipline them. I get to cook them dinner and tuck them into bed at night. I get to teach them right and how to be responsible. I get to laugh with them and watch movies with them. And for Jonathan, I only get to imagine what my life would be like if I could hold him in my arms. Most of the time I like to close my eyes and remember how peaceful and perfect it felt to hold him close to me. His lifeless little body brought me so much comfort. The truth is that this life is fragile. And as many tears as I cry for my beloved angel baby, that tells me he was here. And he was real. And I love him. I cannot make any new memories, but I can find ways to make sure that the ones I already have live on in my heart, in my family, and in this life. I know you were here and although I cannot see you, I can feel you every second of the day. Someday I will see you again, and that day, my sweet boy, will be the best day of my life.

Amazing...

I am totally in awe right now. Such a simple task as checking my email has become the highlight of my day. I received an email from the online company customink.com whom we chose to create our shirts for March for Babies on April 30th. They have asked for the link to our team's website as they noticed from our shirt design that we are involved in the cause. They are sponsoring our team, Jonathan's Hope. Like I said, I am in awe. The generousity and love from people is just amazing. I know Jonathan is smiling down on us!

Ah, life...

So, the days are moving closer and closer not only to March for Babies but also to Jonathan's due date. As the days creep closer I find myself with new and interesting challenges. I want so much to celebrate the special day, but find all I'm really doing is still mourning.

FMJ...

Well, today we get the dog back, Alyssa's stitches are out and Ayla doesn't use a pacifier after all... Whaddya know?!? As is life with kids and craziness!!

As for the job, well it just sucks. About 3 months ago I applied for a different position with my current employer and finally, just on Friday found out that they chose to give it back to the person who had it before. Normally, you think a person would bow out and move on, but I can't. I'm angry and I want everyone to know it! I suppose that sounds really immature, but here's the thing. I work hard, I'm really good at my job, and I go above and beyond not only what is expected of all teachers, but the high standards my bosses have for me personally. I am often working hard unnoticed and unappreciated, at least that's the way it seems most days. I used to do this job for the love of children and the joy they used to bring. Well, it's hard to find joy when you are constantly out-numbered, over whelmed and stressed out. I was more than qualified for the job I wanted and more qualified than the person who had it for 12 years. Even after losing the position she continued to do nothing. Clock in, clock out... So why is it that she is rewarded with getting it back? You want to motivate your employees? Try rewarding the ones who deserve it and promote people who will work hard and do the BEST job...

Now I figure I have to try to find a way to move past this. I need to find the joy for my job I once had. The hard part is, I don't know if I can do that... Time will tell, I suppose. So, I guess for now, just keep me in your prayers!!

The Family Criminal

So, I called my oldest daughter, Alyssa, on the way home from work tonight to find out she was "attacked" by the dog. Now, Brownie is by no means a bad or crazy dog. Apparently he was chewing on something and she decided to fish it out of his mouth... The result? He bit her face. She got three stitches and the ER had to call the police. Now we have a $75 ticket, an outlaw dog whose been labeled "vicious" and a scarred up kid. Everytime things calm down, something happens.

Oh, and our attempt at having a peaceful nights sleep? I gave Ayla a pacifier which she has not ever EVER used. It was the one she brought home from the hospital. She's sucking away on it and I'm not sure yet if we've made a HUGE mistake... :/